Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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