Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
