I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
