fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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