i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
