Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
