I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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