Have you finally orgasmed yet?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
