my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So many bounce houses so little time
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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