I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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