the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
