a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
