apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
