I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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