i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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