Duck Duck Cougar?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
