forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
