LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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