oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
