if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
