God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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