had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
