I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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