Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
