I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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