I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
