I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
