i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
