I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize