just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
