I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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