maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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