So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
