his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
