i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize