not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You took a bar mat shot.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
