with your own penis?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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