every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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