Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
