i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I party with great urgency now.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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