its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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