He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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