grandma shit on top of the toilet
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
