The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
