Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
