Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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