she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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