I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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