Kiss
Puke
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
