Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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