my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
