Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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