Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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