we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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