I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
