Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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