I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
