You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
